Panama

Alright, so I had to finally say goodbye to Bocas. That place is the shiz!

On my last day there I went on a quasi date with this chick from the spanish school Corinne. Shes from Cali and is really cool, but after dinner we went boozin and she got a lil weird on me. Oh well.

So the next day I hopped the water taxi to Almirante, where I saw this awesome ship that was sunk in really shallow water I guess. Its hard to tell, but is awesome regardless.

It took me 9 days to finally get around to taking a picture of this mural in our apartment at the hostel in Mondos.

My name is Bijan, and I endorse this message. If you take out reports and replace with R014s you can see the connection.... I hope DS isnt reading!

From Almirante I hopped the bus to David, and then to Boquette. They call that place rehab because thats where everyone goes to sober up after Bocas. When I got there I ran into the swiss girl from Bocas which was cool. I hung out with this teacher dude from Argentina, and learned about Patagonia, a fake Erin Kayko who was studying ME at University of Rochester, a dude from Colorado, and some aussies. We were staying at this guys house named Pancho. He was nuts. Like totally out of his mind. Its 7 bucks to stay the night, and 8 if you wanna smoke a dubey(s) with him and drink beers. So much for the rehab part...

Boquette is beautiful and mountainous. It was nice to get into the mountains because Panama is the worlds sweatbox, and you never feel clean anywhere. Even when under a cold shower you feel gross. From Boquette I went back to Panama City to catch the flight to Ecuador.

Apparently the most efficient way of curing global warming is to send people all around central america to burn the ozone up in that area. To fly from Panama to Ecuador I had to go first to San Jose, Costa Rica, then up to San Salvador, El Salvador, layover to a flight to Lima, Peru, layover to flight to Quito. I could have flown to Timtamku for christ sakes! Oh well, its my fault I asked for the cheapest tickets.

This guy kind of looks like Conko with the ship captains hat...

I spent the night in Quito, and then shot up to Otavalo where im at right now for the Saturday market. Its the biggest in central and south america so it should be hoppin. Im going to eat some nasty ass bugs and animals for like two cents tomorrow. Hell yeah!

Bro, quit clownin around....

So it should take like an hour and a half to get here, but if you ever take a bus in Ecuador you cant help wonder if it is truly a bus or a moving mall. Every three minutes they stop and let someone on who is selling the most random shit. It almost is a sigh of relief when they sell something normal like sodas. No shit, in the span of like ten minutes of leaving the bus station there was a guy selling bananas, oranges, batteries, bike locks, socks, for some reason like wrist and ankle supporter thingeys, pornos, and a whole crew of guys selling dried plantains. I think I have found my calling in life! Selling pornos bus to bus....

Yeah, so ive been raging out of control here in Bocas for I dont really know how long, but I think over a week. This place is really freakin sweet.

This pic pretty much sums this place up...

I finished up my one week of spanish lessons and the PADI scuba diver certification program. As far as the spanish classes, I didnt really try half the time, the other half the time i went hungover, and on my last day all i did was drank beers with the spanish teacher. Needless to say, Bocas Del Toro is not an environment that is conducive to learning.

Nathalie, who manages the spanish school is the coolest person ive ever met hands down. She says her secret to living is to drink, smoke grass, and make love every day cause shes 40 and looks 26.

As far as the scuba class that was awesome! We had four dives that average 50 minutes or so each, and I did really good. We saw coral, squid, an assload of fish, a barracuda, and a shipwreck. The shipwreck was about 40 feet below, and for some reason the only thing left on the top of it was a toilet. The dutch guys I was with got a kick out of taking pictures pretending they were taking a dump on the ocean floor.

There is this really cool bar here called the Aqua Lounge, and you go there and just get boozed up and go swimming in the ocean. They have diving boards to the ocean, and one of those floating trampolines, and a whole lot of hammocks. That place jumps off on ladies night too. Ladies night here literally means that which is funny. If you are a girl you drink for free all night, and the bars here dont have a time they close. They only close when the police come, so if you see some jakes outside the club you can tell its almost last call. Actually all the bars here are cool.

Im staying in this place at the Mondo Taitu that is kind of like a big apartment. Ive been hanging close with a group of about 10 Israelis and a German girl. The Israelis are awesome. They really know how to party and they always have the tasty KBs. By the way, there is enough KBs here to keep even Reza Terry lifted... Every night the Israelis cook a group dinner for like 12 and so I have been eating for free to which is good.

I think the german girl Daniella got bitten by that bug that lays an egg and a worm grows inside of you. Today at the beach we were trying to get the worm to come out, but weren't successful. We are going to wait till tomorrow to see if it comes out.

The other night this aussie got really drunk and cut his foot really bad. I woke up to him yelling he needed help and there was a pool of blood around his foot. He got stitches the night before, but then he wokeup and it was pretty bad i guess. I helped him to the hospital. It was not a good vibe at all.

I was supposed to go to Boquette, but I dont think Im going to now. Im supposed to leave on the 19th for Ecuador, but dont want to go at all. When I was in Panama City my buddy Raphael called Bocas a backpackers paradise, and man did he really know what he was talking about. I wouldnt describe it any other way.

As im writing this I realized how bad my english is. Ive been dumbing it down so the Israelis and others can understand, but I have to snap out of it. Ive been picking up a lot of the Israeli slang too, which is funny. They have the weirdest sayings, for example...

Bombs to the eyebrows, eating the movie, breaking your dick, dick on the face, etc....

I think you get the point. Next stop, the Equator!

So I finally got my damn bag, but it made me realize I dont need any bags as long as I have enough change for a couple cervesas, the clothes on my back, and the ticket to the next country.

In the words of Sean Spikoli... All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Me and my bud back in the Ciudad. Despite looking like Charles Manson he was really cool.

Once I got my bag I left Panama City and headed on an overnight bus to Bocas Del Toro. The guy warned me that it might be cold on the bus, so I brought a sweatshirt. Man was that guy making an understatement!!! That bus was so damn cold it wasnt a bus. I got the skinny on how they manufacture the busses in Panama.

They first start with detailed plans for the worlds largest cryogenic chamber (as laid out between walt disney and howard hughes). Then they essentially put wheels on it and disguise it as a bus. They they take about 3.5% of the cooling power to drive the wheels. No wonder why this country is so inefficient. That shit was so cold, I couldnt sleep so I eventually got frustrated and ripped the air vents out and stuck a plastic bag in there. It still kept my seat at near absolute zero, despite wearing everything I had on me at the time. I think they figure that since its an overnight bus that they have to freeze everyone to a popsicle to keep them from complaining about the long ass ride. For $20 bucks though, what can you say...

So I took this ten hour bus, hopped on a water taxi (the only way to get around here), and have been hangin out since. I started my spanish school, and hopefully it helps but im pretty sure that it wont if I keep going as hungover as I was today.

My swiss friend from Spanish class and monkey...

Im staying at this place called Mondo Taitu, and its known throughout Panama as being one of the craziest places around. I got trashed with a bunch of guys from Israel (they are everywhere), including the dudes I was in San Blas with. Tonight is 80s power hour, and although I dont really have any 80s gear with me, there is a costume bucket filled with funny stuff back at the place that I might have to delve into before I can get into full charachter.

I rocked this bitch fo sho...

Last night was hillarious. So we go to leave the hostel for a nightclub around 2, but they were already closed because it was late, and so me and this aussie look right at eachother kind of like "do you see what I see." So about three and a half minutes later we assembled a team and were on our way to stealing a go kart that was lying in the street. It had a flat tire, but that was no problem because we manhandled that thing like the firefighters in the Mentos commercial from the 80s. We had the "racist" dogs with us for protection. Apparently they only like backpackers, because this one local tried to join the party and they bit the shit out of him.

This town is for surfers and skaters for sure. Its got a real carribean vibe about it, and I like that. There are a lot of Rastas here, and they speak a weird combination of french and english which is their own language. Theres a shitload of beaches that I plan to make my way to tomorrow....

So ive been here for a couple of days and still no bags...

I went to the canal, and is that place awesome! There are three locks, and they are building another to handle bigger boats. Mad tonnage! They actually have like stadium seating to watch the boats go by - mad funny. As a engineer and curious guy I think its pretty sweet that the same system has served the world since 1913. I saw a panamanian car carrier filled with 6,000 cars - tonnage unknown go through and was raised the 9 meters in a matter of 15 or so minutes.

To break it down real simple the canal is needed because the pacific and atlantic are at different heights, and the boats need to be raised or lowered to go from one end to the other.

Im in this part of town called casco viejo which is essentially the old panama city, not to be confused with the old old city or the new city. This sounds like a joke but its not. It looks like world war three in this bitch because just about every building is only a face. The exterior walls are in place everywhere, but they all looked bombed out. Nothing is inside. I though this was because of the US invasion but it was really because this place was a real dump and in 1996 it was declared a UNESCO world heritage sight. Therefore they have to keep the facade of the buildings, but the interiors need to be gutted and are unsafe. They are fixing them up and people are moving back to casco viejo, but slowly. Its rich mixed with poor. Rich, poor, rich, poor - not what the rest of the world does. Its usually poor in one area, rich in another. Its a good balance.

I bought a bar of soap, and a toothbrush and other than that all I have had was the clothes on my back. The airlines have been screwin around with my bag so I said eff it and bought a pair of swim shorts and threw everything else in a garbage bag and headed to San Blas. So let me just give an example of what its like to spend a day in the life of big B:

I started out at 445 to catch a jeep to san blas. I didnt know what to expect, what the jeep looked like or who was driving - a little sketch. A pickup truck with a covered box in the back pulls up and the guy tells me to get in. There is for some reason a pick axe in my seat. I thought I was being shipped to a concentration camp for bad touristas, as we drove off to 6 spots in the heart of the ghetto, one of which i was convinced was a brothel. Of course nobody speaks broken english or even slow spanish - only a million miles an hour. We drive 5 hours through the worst terrain I have ever seen, across mountains, through waist deep mud, fjord a river, and end at a place with one hut. I tell them i need to go to "hostel island." This obviously makes no sense - I was 4 hours from civilization, no real road, and there def is no power out there. I had no plan, but needed a place to stay. Nonetheless my driver points me to some guy who points me to some guy who points me to a boat. Its a dugout canoe, and i get in. We paddle with another guy maybe a half hour to an island and some guy greets me. I tell him one day, and then I see other gringos. A pair of israeli guys, who tell me im absolutely nuts to go there alone with no plan and no spanish. Mind you these guys just got out of IDF, and have been battle hardened...

San Blas is home to an indigenouse people (the Kuna Yala) whose women dress in these fantastic colors, and are covered in beads, and are like two feet shorter than everyone else. Words cannot describe the place I was at. I stayed in a hut with a hammock for a bed, and they cooked fish for me that her husband cought that day with plantains (it was so good!) over a fire with the fish wrapped in palm leaves. Just like you see on TV. It was me, these two israeli guys and the Kuna family that lived on the island.

These islands were sick. They are an archipeligo off the Atlantic coast where the DEA and Coast guard arent allowed to operate so at night the Colombians run drugs between the coast and the islands, it was supposed to be dangerous, but i saw no need to bust out my judo skills.

So lets recap -

5 hour jeep ride through a river, waist high mud
Dugout Canoe to remote island
Island diggs with hammock for bed
No electricity
Fresh fish cooked over fire

I joked with the Israelis that Isla Ajuga (needle island) is the best damn all inclusive ive heard of at 20 bucks a night you cant beat that with a ten foot pole...

On the way back our driver Arigoberto was driving twice as fast as the guy who took me there. He says he quit his job as a medical technician to go four wheeling everyday. He bought me beers, soup at the only restaurant along the way, and then showed me his .38 special. He says he carries it for protection, but I think hes just really the most badass dude ever. I told him about my .38, and the Baja car and we were instant friends. That guy roosted all over Panama... He was awesome! He also showed me his other truck - a 1978 Chevy full size with a 350 small block, edelbrock intake, holley double pumper, hooker headers, 4.54 gears, and a detroit locker diffs - this guy is serious!

Going to Bocas Del Toro, maybe David, maybe Boquette tomorrow.

Holla!

Made it to Panama.

I started this week on a pretty high note. I would say it all started when i bought the sweetest party blazer in the history of mankind. Now that its retired I am getting calls from the smithsonian, sothebys, and barrett jackson to put that baby up on the auction block. I figure it will go for at least 12 mil.

My buddies threw this going away party for me however they made the fatal error to host it at a "family" establishment. Soon after we arrived that place was ravaged untill it was left in shambles. It looked like world war three went off in that place. Fo sho...

So then we followed up party blazer with a pimp cup, and an indiana jones had and whip, a limbo stick, and inflatable monkey, the sickest cake in the world that was never eaten, and a shitload of booze. However after about 5 tequila shots, 6 beers, and a lil intro karaoke the whip was deemed to be too dangerous to be in the party and was replaced with a 9 inch ginsu knife which was much safer and everyone felt at ease as it was wielded by a maniac on a mission to sacrifice an alpaca to the incan gods in return for a safe blessing on the travels.

Party was sick, hangover was sicker. Leaving bingo bango I shed a tear. I never thought id get emotional about that place.

Hung out with Lynn and Steff before I shipped out, and man my luck was just on fire at that point. I got a free dinner on them, a free ride to the airport, and a free upgrade to first class on the first leg.

Well in typical fashion when hangin out with this guy the constant threat of law enforcement trying to gun me down was ever present. I was in one of those airport magazine shops just catching up on the latest articles in "the economist" (sike! - i was reading playboy), and this bulldike of a manwoman approached me and unlatched the holster to her service revolver. "Are you law enforcement" she barked at me like a Marine Corps Drill Instructor. I then asked her why she would ask such a silly question - I fuckin hate cops. Maybe it was my extremely toned physique, my erect mannerisms, or my blatant military bearing that gave me away. Nonetheless she thought my money belt was a piece because it looked abnormal to her, and was ready to save the airport from all freedomhaters (praise allah - jk).

So I have a 12 hour layover there in Ft. Lauterdale I tried to regain my manhood by reading lone survivor - the book about the SEAL recon team that got gunned down in Afghanistan in 2005. The leiutenant on that patrol was from Patchogue, so its kind of close to home. Almost everyone in LI knows about it. Good read.

Fast forward to Panama - I honestly got out of the airplane and was waiting to see chickens and a small asian kid yelling for Dr. Jones. This place isnt half bad though. The airport is handsdown like 3,000 times better than anything in NY. Thats interesting because according to my calculations these guys are like 3,000000 times poorer than the US. Oh well.

On the way from the airport I was surprised at how good it looked. The only place I can compare to is San Jose Costa Rica. Last year me and Blakey Holmes rolled there like bats out of hell. At 2 am the streets were littered with vagabonds, pimps, and hookers, the likes of which you have never seen.

So when i came to Panama City I was expecting all that. No pims, no hookers - strange. But where did they go? Apparently these are vampire hookers. They work in the shops during the day because they cannot stand the sunlight. Just about every shop i go into there is some skeevy dude "she is pretty right," at which point id say yeah, ok just to get him off my case and then they ask my blood type and the last time i was drained - SIKE! but they do push for me to name a price at which point i walk out.

I met a lot of cool people so far, and lost my bag. Spirit Airlines sucks. I hope to get it back tomorrow sometime, but untill then im just going to rock out with the same clothes. Im out of minutes - Holla back.

Next stop is the Canal suckas!